Years ago, I thought of myself as someone who would probably never get married. I thought I was just "wired" for relationships that were fun only ultimately short-lived. I dated a lot, slept around, and ever had an get out strategy.

Fast forward to today and as a happily married man, I'm honestly surprised by how piece of cake it was for me to transition to a committed, life-long relationship. In fact, it feels damn good!

The truth is, while I did a lot of piece of work on myself, a lot of it was just looking for a proficient partner.

I get hundreds of emails each year from people struggling in their relationships. And a lot of those people are either engaged or thinking about getting married. I often want to wave a giant neon flag at them shouting, "Don't practise it!" because getting married for the wrong reasons tin can have dire consequences—not but emotionally, but financially, besides.

After working with dozens of couples on this result, I've put together two checklists below that summarize everything. The get-go checklist is the BAD reasons people become married. The 2d checklist outlines the GOOD reasons to go married. Check information technology out.

Most of these horrible reasons to get married will probably seem obvious and maybe even a piddling ridiculous. But for a lot of us, it'south really hard to take an objective look at our own motivations and see them for what they really are.

Sometimes, your real intentions are hidden a few layers deep and you lot merely demand someone to lovingly shake them to the surface for yous.

And so here, let me help yous with that.

Terrible Reason to Go Married #one: To Solve Your Relationship Problems

For some reason, a lot of people seem to think that something magical happens when you get married and all the fights and toxic cycles of behavior disappear.

This is tragically misguided.

Committing to someone by getting married amplifies all the facets of your relationship. And then if you lot genuinely love and respect 1 another, that love and respect can grow and evolve in a married couple.

But the same is true for the problems you have in your human relationship. If you lot're bad at communicating in your relationship, miscommunications will but become worse in your spousal relationship. If you don't accept respect for one some other, you won't gain information technology by getting married. You'll probably lose it even more.

Basically, when y'all become married, things can get even better if they're already good, merely they only go worse if they're already bad.

Terrible Reason to Get Married #ii: Because You're Afraid of Being Alone

Being solitary can really suck.

What sucks even more, though, is marrying the next person who comes along simply because you're tired of beingness alone—and so they turn out to be terrible for you.

You've probably heard this before. But no 1 is going to be happy being with yous if you lot tin't be happy being by yourself.

I'm betting nobody ever told yous how to get nigh doing that though. After all, it seems like a take hold of-22: you need to be happy by yourself before you lot can brand someone else happy, but you're not happy because you lot don't have someone to make you happy.

Terrible reason to get married - you're afraid of being alone

The problem is the manner you're judging and valuing yourself. You're valuing others' opinions of y'all more than you're valuing your own stance of yourself. Y'all think your value as a person is determined by who y'all're with. Just think about how fucked upward that is for a 2nd.

Develop yourself into who you want to be outset. Get healthy. Exit your dead-cease job and go serious about your career. Get your finances in social club. Then find someone who is excited to be with you because you boot then much ass already.

Terrible Reason to Get Married #3: To Evidence Something

Perchance your crazy aunt keeps telling you well-nigh how "the clock is ticking" and you lot're not getting any younger. Or your father thinks y'all need to "grow upwards already." Or maybe your parents got divorced and you're adamant to testify the globe that you're improve than them. Or all your friends are married now and y'all desire to show them you're non but the third or fifth or eleventh wheel all the fourth dimension.

Sometimes it's a little more than subtle simply but as fucked up. Like, some people see marriage as a status symbol, so they get married thinking they'll parade around boondocks with their spouse and people will bow in their presence like they just conquered Westeros or something.

Whatever it is, getting married to bear witness something to someone—or yourself—is a god awful reason to practise information technology.

terrible reasons to get married - to prove something
"Run into, await how happy we are together. See? SEE?"

Terrible Reason to Get Married #4: Because It's Practical

Depending on which state you live in, a legal union tin come with many practical benefits. Y'all may exist tempted to marry to qualify for tax breaks, receive your spouse's social security benefits, be able to adopt, go a spouse visa, etc.

There's nada wrong with receiving these perks, but if they're the just reason y'all're marrying someone—i.due east. committing to them until death exercise you lot function—so something'southward non quite right.

The fact is that a marriage isn't going to work unless both people are in it for each other and no one else. The state may care for you differently, but outside maybe your parents, the earth genuinely doesn't intendance if you get married. Billions of people have done it. Y'all don't go a golden star and extra warm cookies on the plane just considering yous're married. You also don't get to rub it in anyone's face for more than a few months, tops. And then what?

I'll tell you what: and then you're stuck in a marriage trying to effigy out if it was worth it later all.

So if any of these terrible reasons to get married utilize to your situation, well first, don't get married. 2nd, work on your relationship skills. Larn about healthy and toxic behaviors in relationships. Familiarize yourself with how emotional needs work so y'all tin can improve get yours met and see the needs of others. It takes a lot of time, but information technology will save you a lot of pain and maybe a divorce or three down the route.

On the other hand, if you can accept an honest look at your relationship and say that none of these terrible reasons to get married apply to your situation, then great.

Read on.

Alright, so you lot've adamant that you're not thinking almost getting married for the wrong reasons, but you're not out of the woods yet, my friend.

Below are some of what I've determined to exist the most important aspects of a relationship that bode well for a good for you and happy marriage.

And even though I'm calling this a "checklist," I'm non saying that this big of a decision can be boiled down to a few "yep/no" questions and that's it. But if your relationship doesn't take these things already, let's just say that it'southward going to exist pretty hard to make a union work in the long run.

1. You Fight Well

A good for you relationship is not a relationship without arguments. A salubrious relationship is a relationship with good for you arguments.

What I mean is that non only are fights inevitable in fifty-fifty the happiest marriage, they can actually exist a expert matter for the human relationship if they are fought in a good for you way.

That ways that, when you do go upset and argue with each other, you try to get to the root of the issue itself and you don't attack the other person for who they are.

Then, for instance, maybe your partner blew you off when you actually needed them and you lot felt injure by it. Instead of telling them that they're a heartless fuckface who only cares most themselves, you should probably try to understand why you're then hurt in the outset place and address that with them. Are y'all agape of being left alone in times similar this? And if so, practice they actually empathise that? Is there some fashion y'all can communicate when y'all really need them and are they willing to piece of work with y'all on it?

Good reasons to get married - you fight well

About arguments in relationships come from a misunderstanding of emotional needs. But that also ways there'south an opportunity for you lot both to a) figure out what each other's needs are and b) larn how to get your needs met and run into the needs of the other person.

And so, when done from a place of common respect for one another's needs, this is how arguments can be a good for you part of a relationship.

And when y'all do fight, it'southward important that, ultimately, y'all forgive each other and yous forgive yourself. You don't keep bringing upwards old issues simply instead, you lot acknowledge when someone messes up and you accept their apology (and they own up to information technology and change their behavior). But you lot also admit when you lot're wrong and forgive yourself for information technology instead of continuing to beat yourself upwards.

Once again, fights are inevitable, then you lot need to brand sure you're fighting well before you lot get married. Otherwise, be prepared to deal with either a very brusque, tumultuous marriage or a very long, miserable marriage.

ii. You lot Take Similar Worldviews and Visions for Your Future

Stop and inquire yourself this about your relationship: are your lives going in the same direction and do you share similar values? Or is there friction when it comes to big life decisions? Exercise your career aspirations and/or lifestyles mesh well with i another?

If 1 of you wants to exist an actor and alive in Los Angeles and 1 of you wants to alive a repose life on a farm in Idaho, well how exactly is that going to work? 1 of you lot volition have to give up on your dreams, creating a downwards screw of resentment and regret. So no one "wins."

Good reasons to get married - your have similar worldviews

Similarly, if one of y'all wants to spend your money on traveling and seeing the world but one of you would rather purchase a nice, big house and stay home to accept care of information technology, that'southward also a recipe for conflict down the route.

Essentially, if one of y'all has to give up on your dreams, your career, your passions, it'due south just not going to work. One or both of you will wind up miserable and resenting each other.

And if ane or both of you take to suppress or alter your values in some way, you're also in for a rocky spousal relationship. Things like how to heighten kids (or if you want them at all), religion, how you handle money bug, so on. A lot of these things aren't sexy to call back well-nigh, but once more, any problems you have now in your relationship will be magnified in your union. And the bigger the effect, the harder it volition be to ignore it for long.

3. In that location's a Potent Friendship That Underpins the Relationship

A fact of any long-term relationship is that romance dwindles, sexual desire comes and goes, and life just happens sometimes. So it'due south best to take someone you can count on in other ways when these things do occur. You lot should be marrying someone who'south not simply an platonic romantic partner for you, they're besides your friend.

Good reasons to get married - there's a strong friendship that underpins the relationship

A practiced friendship involves accepting one another unconditionally, flaws and all. They might badger you in some ways and piss you off in others, but at the end of the day, you still want to be at that place for them and you desire them to be there for you.

You don't get ill of each other, but when you do need your space, neither of you takes it personally and you give information technology to each other.

And maybe most importantly, you think in terms of "we" and "u.s.a." and non "you" and "me." This is a product of having shared values that manifests as a solid, loving friendship. Of form, you recognize and respect one another's autonomy. But you're too a team, working towards the same goals.

If instead, you lot feel like the other person is always interfering with your independence, then you lot either have a mismatch in values (see in a higher place) or you accept some avoidant tendencies you lot need to bargain with (see my article on attachment styles). Either mode, you need to work this out before getting married.

4. You lot See Marriage every bit an Exciting Option, Not an Obligation

Last, y'all shouldn't encounter getting married as something that you have to do for whatever reason.

And I don't just mean someone giving you an ultimatum—"we need to get married or I'thousand leaving"—although that'due south definitely 1 behemothic red flag not to go married. Merely yous shouldn't as well feel like you have to become married because "that's what people do" or because you've been with someone for a long time and experience like you lot owe it to them.

A marriage—and whatsoever relationship, really—is something that is created by 2 people. It'southward a project, not an obligation.

And similar any projection worth doing in life, it can be challenging at times, but it should also be exciting and, in the end, worth information technology for both of yous.

Good reasons to get married - you're excited about it

Lots of people ask me which books I'd recommend for understanding and creating amend relationships that tin can lead to a good for you marriage. The truth is, near books out on the topic give pretty shitty, vague advice that isn't all that useful.

That said, at that place are a few books out there that I regularly recommend to people, and I reviewed those in another article: v Human relationship Books Everyone Should Read.

To requite you the gist of it though:

  • My top two are The Five Dearest Languages by Gary Chapman and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.
  • If you're the blazon who likes a more "academic" perspective, John Gottman's seven Principles of a Successful Marriage is a nice overview of why relationships succeed and why they fail.
  • And if you lot find yourself in relationships where you're constantly fighting with one some other, cheque out Nonviolent Communication past Marshall Rosenberg.

You can too go my complimentary ebook on relationships and learn more about dealing with emotional needs in your relationships.

I've also written a lot nearly relationships—what makes them good and what makes them bad, why they thrive and why they die, and what y'all can do to get-go having better ones. Hither'due south a list of some of the nearly popular ones and some of my favorites as well.

  • Honey is Non Plenty
  • Fuck Yes or No
  • 1,500 People Give All the Relationship Communication You'll Ever Need
  • A No-Bullshit Guide to Meeting the Correct Person
  • Attachment Theory
  • Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships
  • The Three Loves Theory
  • Mayhap Y'all Don't Know What Honey Is
  • Change Your Mind About Dating
  • six Toxic Relationship Habits Virtually People Retrieve Are Normal
  • half-dozen Salubrious Relationship Habits Most People Call up Are Toxic
  • Romance Is Like Alcohol
  • How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship
  • Why People Cheat in Relationships
  • 3 Simple Explanations for Why Y'all're Notwithstanding Single
  • 7 Things Sex activity Education Should Accept Taught Us Simply Didn't
  • How Disney Ruined Sex For Anybody
  • Sex and Our Psychological Needs
  • How to Appointment an Emotionally Stable and Amazing Person
  • Why Everyone Yous Date Is A Psycho
  • The Guide to Stiff Boundaries
  • Vulnerability and Avoiding Manipulative Relationships
  • Information technology's Complicated: Why Relationships and Dating Can Be So Difficult
  • My Girlfriend But Dumped Me
  • Ability in Vulnerability